Lately, in the past week or so, things have gone from okay to amazing while other things have gone from bad to horrible.

My mom hates me more than ever. And this is of course, just when I thought she couldn't possibly hate me any more.

I care so little about school now, that it amazes even me. I have a calculus final next tuesday (shh academy people, don't tell Mr. Methner!) and I don't really feel like studying for it at all. In fact, I've been trying to come up with ways to get out of school more often than stay in it. But it's pretty fun.

Since the semi formal I thought all was down the drain with a certain someone. But now after prom, it seems like it's not. It's quite a shock really. I did something horribly stupid at semi as well as after, jumped to ridiculous conclusions as usual, and was just a total all around idiot about the whole deal all year. This other person hasn't made it easy to make things right either, but I think more of it was me being dumb. But prom went really well, neither of us did anything extremely stupid until the last 5 minutes of the bus ride (and even that wasn't stupid enough to say much about) for which I did apologize because that was my fault...and instead of being ignorant of it, he just told me not to be sorry about it - meaning, he didn't mind either. And since then, which is basically just today, all has been fairly well. Scarily well actually when I really think on it, but that's why I choose not to do so. Prom was like having my twin back, and now it's like having my best friend back though only as a friend, which is more than I had even dreamed for.

So, all in all, even with my mom hating me and probably using that against me every chance she gets from now until I move for college just to spite me, I'm pretty happy at the moment. Extremely optimistic too. I hope I can stay this way. Life's just that much better when I'm not worrying about everything or obsessing and getting depressed over stupid trivial things all the time.

Prom is next Friday.
The rafting trip is two Fridays after that.
Graduation is two Tuesdays after that.
...and then it's over.

I can't wait for it to be over, and yet, I'm now finding so many reasons to want it to never end. School is becoming more and more of a family setting for me, more than my own real home is. For all the underclassmen (especially on my bus), I feel like this protecting older sister - a feeling I only rarely got from my real sister since she ran to my parents more often than not, getting me in trouble for doing nothing somehow in the process. Yeah, we had our moments of real good "bonding" but those are rarer and rarer nowadays. I can't say I get any such closeness among my senior friends now. They have other friends for the most part. The few I call best friends, don't particularly have me near the top of their lists anymore. That's probably my fault for obsessing over one particular such friend though. One that I'd still probably do close to anything to rekindle that flame of friendship, and nothing more. Alas, said friend doesn't seem to be nearly as willing to do the same. More or less everyone around me now has a significant other of some sort. And amidst it all, I tend to get left out. Perhaps that's why I love the underclassmen so much. They incorporate me into their conversations as if I was one of them too. They don't leave me out. They invite me to go hang out with them. Even if they have significant others, I'm still somehow not left out. I seem to spend more time with them than I do with the seniors nowadays.

I do miss them all a great deal. Every single one. Some more than others, but at some point in time I know I was close to all of them. Most being during freshman and sophomore years. Those two years were definitely my favorites for high school, if you ignore the work load. Especially sophomore year. That was when everyone was everyone's friend. Anyone could hang out with anyone else and feel like part of that group. That was when I was my best friends' best friend still. That was when I was allowed to hang out on Friday nights. I was allowed to enjoy high school. Junior and senior years had their benefits in school, but for the most part, they just sucked. Senior year especially. Not much has gone right this year. My parents have always been a pain in the ass, but now it's getting quite ridiculous. The threats, the violence, the vulgarity of words. I'm so sick of it. I, as the resident teenager, should be the one that's violent and vulgar. But it isn't me. Life in general is getting to be pretty...stupid. Backwards. Confused. Incomprehensible. Nothing makes much sense anymore. I think the part of my brain that's been trying to make it make sense has just shut down. I'm going off of primal instinct. Just doing what I think will keep me alive with the basic human needs. If I could shut down the part that deals with emotions, that would be superb. I'd never have a complaint again. Though I wouldn't be able to help others in that department either. Is that okay? No, I don't think it is. I like helping people whenever I can. It's just what I do. Some take it for granted, others appreciate it. I just do it.

High school hasn't been the great amazing thing I thought it would be. Probably because I've been kept in my room for the second half of it. And as a result of that, I've had more time on my hands than I wanted...to think. To think about stuff which is better not being thought of.

It's pretty sad when everything reminds you of one person. Especially when it's a year after all's been said and done. Even worse if you knew it would end this way, and just hoped it wouldn't. Hope is not enough. Never has been. It'll keep you going for awhile, and then it'll just die out like a flame with no oxygen. Actions I suppose can be enough, but only if the right ones are taken. Mine seemed to be all the wrong ones though. So they didn't particularly help either. So now I'm stuck fighting with reality. Reality is that I've lost the closest friend I've ever had. But I don't want to accept reality. And yet, there's still not much I can do about it anymore. But hope. Which won't do anything anyway. An endless loop of uselessness. Too much of high school has revolved around this one person. I know that for a fact, and yet I do nothing about it. Ignoring what you want isn't always the easiest thing to do.

I truly hope college holds more than high school ever did. High school had the potential to be really awesome, but multiple factors crushed that. For college, a number of those factors wont be present anymore. Hopefully, that will be enough.